Halloween Hijinks...

A cabbie picks up a nun.
She gets into the cab, and notices that the very handsome cab driver won’t stop staring at her.
She asks him why he is staring. He replies: “I have a question to ask you, but I don’t want to offend you.”
She answers, “My son, you cannot offend me. When you’re as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I’m sure that there’s nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.”
“Well, I’ve always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.”
She responds, “Well, let’s see what we can do about that:
1) You have to be single and 2) you must be Catholic.”
The cab driver is very excited and says, ” Yes, I’m single and Catholic!
“Ok,” the nun says, ”pull into the next alley.”
The nun fulfils the cab driver’s fantasy with a deep kiss that would make most blush. When they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
“My dear child,” said the nun, why are you crying?”
“Forgive me but I have sinned. I lied and I must confess, I’m married …..and I’m Jewish!”
The nun says, “That’s ok. My name’s Kevin and I’m going to a Halloween party.”

Quotes this Halloween

I'll bet living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween.- Anonymous

Witch and ghost make merry on this last of dear October’s days. - Anonymous

Nothing on Earth so beautiful as the final haul on Halloween night. - Steve Almond

If a man harbors any sort of fear, it makes him landlord to a ghost.- Lloyd Douglas

Clothes make a statement. Costumes tell a story.- Mason Cooley

Fear has many eyes and can see things underground.- Miguel de Cervantes, from Don Quixote
At first cock-crow the ghosts must goBack to their quiet graves below.
- Theodosia Garrison

Everyone is a moon and has a dark side which he never shows to anybody.- Mark Twain

Where there is no imagination there is no Horror.- Arthur Conan Doyle, Sr.

Halloween is huge in my house and we really get into the "spirits" of things.- Dee Snider

This Halloween the most popular mask is the Arnold Schwarzenegger mask. And the best part? With a mouth full of candy you will sound just like him.- Conan O'Brien

Ask not what your Pumpkin can do for you, ask what you can do for your pumpkin.-- Author Unknown

Most ridiculous British law

1. It is illegal to die in the Houses of Parliament (27 percent)
2. It is an act of treason to place a postage stamp
bearing the British monarch upside-down (seven percent)
3. In Liverpool, it is illegal for a woman to be topless except as a clerk in a tropical fish store (six percent)
4. Mince pies cannot be eaten on Christmas Day (five percent)
5. In Scotland, if someone knocks on your door and requires the use of your toilet, you must let them enter (four percent)
6. A pregnant woman can legally relieve herself anywhere she wants, including in a policeman's helmet (four percent)
7. The head of any dead whale found on the British coast automatically becomes the property of the king, and the tail of the queen (3.5 percent)
8. It is illegal to avoid telling the tax man anything you do not want him to know, but legal not to tell him information you do not mind him knowing (three percent)
9. It is illegal to enter the Houses of Parliament in a suit of armour (three percent)
10. In the city of York it is legal to murder a Scotsman within the ancient city walls, but only if he is carrying a bow and arrow (two percent).

Ducks in Heaven...

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!"

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.

St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!" The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.

She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on ... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"

The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"

The Pharmacist...

A lady walked into a pharmacy and told the pharmacist that she needed some cyanide.

The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband.

The pharmacists eyes got big and he said, "Lord, have mercy -- I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law!

I'll lose my license, they'll throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not, you can NOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacists wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well, now. You didn't tell me you had a prescription.

Management Lesson

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold, the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him!

Management Lesson:

1) Not everyone who drops crap on you is your enemy.

2) Not everyone who gets you out of crap is your friend.

3) And when you're in deep crap, keep your mouth shut!

Dear Luningning,

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good. I've been a good man to you for seven years and I have nothing toshow for It. These last two weeks have been hell.Mr. Lopez called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week, you came home and didn't even notice that I had gotten a new hair cut, cooked your favorite meal and even worea brand new pair of silk boxers.You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't want sex anymore or anything. Either you're cheating on me oryou don't love me anymore. Whatever the case is, I'm gone.

Your EX-Husband,
Papi Willie

P.S. Don't try to find me. Your SISTER and I are moving away to Toronto together this summer ! Have a great life!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Ex-Husband,

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good man isa far cry from what you've been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining and gripping. Too bad that doesn't work. I did notice when you got a hair cut last week, the first thing that cameto mind was " You look just like Michael Jackson ! " but my mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say anything nice.And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten meconfused with my SISTER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago.. I turned away from you when you had those new silk boxers on because the price tag was still on them. I prayed that it was a coincidence that mySISTER had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning .... and your silk boxers were $49.99 !After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out, so when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for sixty-nine milliondollars, I quit my job and bought us two first class tickets to Manila , but when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said with your letter that you wrote, you won't get a dime from me. So take care. Signed, Rich , Freeeee & Available ,.....

Luningning
P.S.
I don't know if I ever told you this but MARIA , my SISTER, was born MARIO . I hope you don't have a problem with your hemorrhoids.

Sexual Acts You Thought Were not Possible! Part 1

Was looking through urban dictionary a few days ago and was shock to read about things that were really freaky... hahahaha... Enjoy guys!!!

Rainbow Kissing-
a woman performs fellatio on a man and keeps his 'juices' in her mouth, then the man performs cunnilingus on the woman, whilst she is menstruating, and also keeps her 'juices' in his mouth, they then kiss passionately making one big assed sloppery rank-as-fuck mess.

Munging-
1) Go to a graveyard with four of your buddies

2) Dig up Fresh corpse (female) and have a gang bang.

3) Afterwards, one of them puts there mouth over the vagina.

4) Someone jumps on the stomach, shooting all the cum and maggots and such into the person's mouth. They swallow it.

Cleveland Steamer -

The cleveland steamer is far more specific than the listings I have seen here. A sexual act by nature (fetish) the cleveland steamer is when one person craps on another person's chest and (very important) then sits down and rocks back and forth like a steam roller.

Rusty Trombone-
The act of performing anal cunnilingus while reaching up above the testicles to manually administer quick up and down motions to the penile shaft; resulting in a violent yet pleasant explosion. It is then customary for the female to then give a quick blow into the anus for good luck, the lips blowing into the anus sounds very similar to a trombones sweet melody. This was introduced to the Americas in the late 50's.

Donkey Punch -
Whilst participating in either vaginal or anal ‘doggy style’ intercourse, during the instant before the male ejaculates, the penis is inserted (or kept) in the female's anus, at which point he delivers a swift punch to the back of the female’s cranium. This results in the simultaneous contraction of the anal sphincter and various other muscles in the female, thus producing a tremendous sensation for the male. However, for the technique to render successful, the receiving party must be knocked utterly unconscious.

Angry Dragon-
Most of the other definitions are close but not quite right. the real definition is a chick is giving you head and when she goes to swallow your load you judo chop her in the throat making her choke on the cum and it shoots out her nose, also making her angry. the hit in the head definitions are confused with donkey punch and the punch in the stomach is from louisville slugger. the one where you shove your cock down her throat as you nut is the snowy or snow dragon which also shoots the nut out her nose. both really work if done right.

These are the few of the new words I've learned.... hahaha

Why not try on your partner and see the amazing results....

Andrew

Shit List....

The Shit List:

The Ghost Shit
The kind where you feel shit come out, see shit on the toilet paper, but there's no shit in the bowl.

The Clean Shit
The kind where you feel shit come out, see shit in the bowl, but there's no shit on the toilet paper.

The Wet Shit
You wipe your ass fifty times and it still feels unwiped. So you end up putting toilet paper between your ass and your underwear so you don't ruin them with those dreadful skid marks.

The Second Wave Shit
This shit happens when you've finished, your pants are up to your knees, and you suddenly realize you have to shit some more.

The Brain Hemorrahage Through Your Nose Shit
Also known as "Pop a Vein in Your Forehead Shit". You have to strain so much to get it out that you turn purple and practically have a stroke.

The Corn Shit
No explanation necessary.

The Lincoln Log Shit
The kind of shit that's so enormous you're afraid to flush it down without first breaking it up into little pieces with the toilet brush.

The Nororius Drinker Shit
The kind of shit you have the morning after a long night of drinking. It's most noticeable trait is the tread mark left on the bottom of the toilet bowl after you flush.

The "Gee, I Really Wish I Could Shit" Shit
The kind where you want to shit, but even after straining your guts out, all you can do is sit on the toilet, cramped and farting.

The Wet Cheeks Shit
Also known as the "Power Dump". That's the kind that comes out of your ass so fast that your butt cheeks get splashed with the toilet water.

The Liquid Shit
That's the kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out of your butt, splashes all over the side of the toilet bowl and, at the same time, chronically burns your tender poop-chute.

The Mexican Food Shit
A class all on its own.

The Crowd Pleaser
This shit is so intriguing in size and/or appearance that you have to show it to someone before flushing.

The Mood Enhancer
This shit occurs after a lengthy period of constipation, thereby allowing you to be your old self again.

The Ritual
This shit occurs at the same time each day and is accomplished with the aid of a newspaper.

The Guinness Book Of Records Shit
A shit so noteworthy it should be recorded for future generations.

The Aftershock Shit
This shit has an odour so powerful than anyone entering the vicinity within the next seven hours is affected.

The "Honeymoon's Over" Shit
This is any shit created in the presence of another person.

The Groaner
A shit so huge it cannot exit without vocal assistance.

The Floater
Characterized by its floatability, this shit has been known to resurface after many flushings.

The Ranger
A shit which refuses to let go. It is usually necessary to engage in a rocking or bouncing motion, but quite often the only solution is to push it away with a small piece of toilet paper.

The Phantom Shit
This appears in the toilet mysteriously and no one will admit to putting it there.

The Peek-A-Boo Shit
Now you see it, now you don't. This shit is playing games with you. Requires patience and muscle control.

The Bombshell
A shit that comes as a complete surprise at a time that is either inappropriate to shit (i.e. during lovemaking or a root canal) or you are nowhere near shitting facilities.

The Snake Charmer
A long skinny shit which has managed to coil itself into a frightening position - usually harmless.

The Olympic Shit
This shit occurs exactly one hour prior to the start of any competitive event in which you are entered and bears a close resemblance to the Drinker's Shit.

The Back-To-Nature Shit
This shit may be of any variety but is always deposited either in the woods or while hiding behind the passenger side of your car.

The Pebbles-From-Heaven Shit
An adorable collection of small turds in a cluster, often a gift from God when you actually can't shit.

Premeditated Shit
Laxative induced. Doesn't count.

Shitzopherenia
Fear of shitting - can be fatal!

Energizer Vs. Duracell Shit
Also known as a "Still Going" shit.

The Power Dump Shit
The kind that comes out so fast, you barely get your pants down when you're done.

The Liquid Plumber Shit
This kind of shit is so big it plugs up the toilet and it overflows all over the floor. (You should have followed the advice from the Lincoln Log Shit.)

The Spinal Tap Shit
The kind of shit that hurts so much coming out, you'd swear it's got to be coming out sideways.

The "I Think I'm Giving Birth Through My Asshole" Shit
Similar to the Lincoln Log and The Spinal Tap Shits. The shape and size of the turd resembles a tall boy beer can. Vacuous air space remains in the rectum for some time afterwards.

The Porridge Shit
The type that comes out like toothpaste, and just keeps on coming. You have two choices: a) flush and keep going, or b) risk it piling up to your butt while you sit there helpless.

The "I'm Going To Chew My Food Better" Shit
When the bag of Doritos you ate last night lacerates the insides of your rectum on the way out in the morning.

The "I Think I'm Turning Into A Bunny" Shit
When you drop lots of cute, little round ones that look like marbles and make tiny splashing sounds when they hit the water.

The "What The Hell Died In Here?" Shit
Also sometimes referred to as "The Toxic Dump". Of course you don't warn anyone of the poisonous bathroom odour. Instead, you stand innocently near the door and enjoy the show as they run out gagging and gasping for air.

The "I Just Know There's A Turd Still Dangling There" Shit
Where you just sit there patiently and wait for the last cling-on to drop off because if you wipe now, it's going to smear all over the place.
"AW SHIT"