Language of the Workplace...

Blamestorming: Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

Chainsaw Consultant: An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee headcount, leaving the top brass with clean hands.

Cube Farm: An office filled with cubicles.

Prairie Dogging: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.

Elvis Year: The peak year of something's or someone's popularity. "Barney the Dinosaur's Elvis year was 1993."

Idea Hamsters: People who always seem to have their idea generators running.

Mouse Potato: The online, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.

Ohnosecond: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a big mistake.

SITCOMs: What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids. Stands for Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage.

Starter Marriage: A short-lived first marriage that ends in a divorce with no kids, no property and no regrets.

Stress Puppy: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.

Tourists: People who take training classes just to get a vacation from their jobs. "We had three serious students in the class; the rest were just tourists."

Xerox Subsidy: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.

Alpha Geek: The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person in an office or work group. "Ask Tom, he's the alpha geek around here."

Assmosis: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.

Beepilepsy: The brief seizure people sometimes have when their beeper goes off (especially in vibrator mode). Characterized by physical spasms, goofy facial expressions and interruption of speech in mid-sentence.

Depotphobia: Fear associated with entering a Home Depot because of how much money one might spend. Electronics geeks experience Shackophobia.

Flight Risk: Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave a company or department soon. Irritainment: Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying, but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The O.J. trials were a prime example.

Percussive Maintenance: The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

Seagull Manager: A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, sh-ts over everything and then leaves.

Uninstalled: Euphemism for being fired. Heard on the voicemail of a vice president at a downsizing computer firm: "You have reached the number of an uninstalled vice president. Please dial our main number and ask the operator for assistance." See also Decruitment.

Nuggets of Wisdom...

1. If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out.

2. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic.

4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

12. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.

14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

15. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.

20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.

25. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused

The Scars of Life

Some years ago on a hot summer day in south Florida a little boy decided to go for a swim in the old swimming hole behind his house. In a hurry to dive into the cool water, he ran out the back door,leaving behind shoes, socks,and shirt as he went.He flew into the water, not realizing that as he swam toward the middle of the lake, an alligator was swimming toward the shore. His father working in the yard saw the two as they got closer and closer together. In utter fear, he ran toward the water, yelling to his son as loudly as he could.Hearing his voice, the little boy became alarmed and made a U-turn to swim to his father. It was too late. Just as he reached his father, the alligator reached him. From the dock, the father grabbed his little boy by the arms just as the alligator snatched his legs. That began an incredible tug-of-war between the two. The alligator was much stronger than the father, but the father was much too passionate to let go. A farmer happened to drive by, heard his screams, raced from his truck,took aim and shot the alligator. Remarkably, after weeks and weeks in the hospital, the little boy survived. His legs were extremely scarred by the vicious attack of the animal. And, on his arms, were deep scratches where his father's fingernails dug into his flesh in his effort to hang on to the son he loved. The newspaper reporter who interviewed the boy after the trauma, asked if he would show him his scars. The boy lifted his pant legs. And then, with obvious pride, he said to the reporter, "But look at my arms.I have great scars on my arms, too. I have them because my Dad wouldn't let go." You and I can identify with that little boy. We have scars, too. No, not from an alligator, but the scars of a painful past.Some of those scars are unsightly and have caused us deep regret. But, some wounds, my friend, are because God has refused to let go. In the midst of your struggle, He's been there holding on to you. God loves you. You are a child of God. He wants to protect you and provide for you in every way. But sometimes we foolishly wade into dangerous situations, not knowing what lies ahead. The swimming hole of life is filled with peril - and we forget that the enemy is waiting to attack. That's when the tug-of-war begins - and if you have the scars of His love on your arms be very, very grateful. He did not and will not ever let you go. Please pass this on to those you love. God has blessed you, so that you can be a blessing to others. You just never know where a person is in his/her life and what they are going through. Never judge another persons scars, because you don't know how they got them. Also, it is so important that we are not selfish to receive the blessings of these messages without forwarding them to someone else.

Right now, someone needs to know that God loves them,and you love them too~~~ enough to not let them go.

What does Love mean?

Slow down for three minutes to read this. It is so worth it. Touching words from the mouth of babes.

What does Love mean? A group of professional people posed this question to a group of 4 to 8 year-olds, "What does love mean?" The answers they got were broader and deeper than anyone could have imagined. See what you think...

"When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love.

"Rebecca- age 8"

"When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You just know that your name is safe in their mouth

"Billy - age 4"

"Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other."

"Karl - age 5"

"Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your. French fries without making them give you any of theirs."

"Chrissy - age 6"

"Love is what makes you smile when you're tired.

"Terri - age 4"

"Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK.

"Danny - age 7"

"Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more. My Mommy and Daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss.

"Emily - age 8"

"Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen.

"Bobby - age 7 (Wow!)"

"If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate.

"Nikka- age 6" (we need a few million more Nikka's on this planet.)

"Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday.

"Noelle - age 7"

"Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well.

"Tommy - age 6"

"During my piano recital, I was on a stage and I was scared. I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling. He was the only one doing that. I wasn't scared anymore

Cindy - age 8"

"My mommy loves me more than anybody. You don't see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night."

"Clare - age 6"

"Love is when Mommy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken."

"Elaine-age 5"

"Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford

"Chris - age 7"

"Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day."

"Mary Ann - age 4"

"I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones."

"Lauren - age 4"

"When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you." (what an image)

"Karen - age 7"

"Love is when Mommy sees Daddy on the toilet and she doesn't think it's gross

"Mark - age 6"

"You really shouldn't say 'I love you unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget."

"Jessica - age 8"

And the final one Author and lecturer Leo Buscaglia once talked about a contest he was asked to judge. The purpose of the contest was to find the most caring child. The winner was a four year old child whose next door neighbor was an elderly gentleman who had recently lost his wife. Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old gentleman's yard climbed onto his lap, and just sat there. When his Mother asked what he had said to the neighbor,the little boy said "Nothing, I just helped him cry."

Try This....

Instructions - go to www(dot)urbandictionary(dot)com and type in your answer to each question in the search box, then write a definition it gives you

1) Your name?Carlo- to be a ledge, a leader a captain even, but have slight tendencies to flip and punch and headbutt walls and go a bit mentall!!! or sum1 who gets involved in banter

2) How old are you?25- The age at which one can finally rent a car in the United States without being charged enormous amounts of money and without having to sign thousands of papers for that matter.

3) One of your friends?Jeff- a fabulous name, anyone who has it should be proud, spontaneous (good in bed) ;) usually very sexy tall & thin (except for the few UNLUCKY Jeff's out there)

4) What Should You Be Doing?- Sleeping: To masturbate furiously in your room while praying that your grandma doesn't come in.

5) Favorite Food?Hamburgers- The cornerstone of any nutritious breakfast.


6) Favorite Person?Mary- A name gay men use to refer to each other. It was used extensively in 1960's Greenwitch Village to piss off the cops. Also, while crusing, it's an inconspicuous way to ask someone if there up for it.

7) Word to describe yourself?creative- What teachers call you when they don't want to say you are a dumbass.

8) Can you drive?yup- A code word/slang, between some youth, for sex. If in caps lock,its to make emphasis for those who are in need of some action.


9) Favorite band name:Paramore- Every once in a while, you stumble across a band that can actually pull off having a female lead singer and still rock out. This band is from Franklin, TN and trust me, they are going places. Hayley Williams (lead vocalist) has superb talent for her age. This is probably one of the most underrated bands out there...

10) Ice cream flavor?Chocolate- 1.A chick's best candy. 2.Your tongue's way of having sex. 3.A drug of the world because its very addictive. 4.A sweet piece of candy in the world that shuts little brats up who continuously scream about how they didn't get this, they didn't get that. Mommy... 5.Dark-skinned.

11) Last person you talked to on the phone?my good friend- someone who you can call at 2 am and tell then that you actually killed the fucking old lady next door and they show up at your house with a shovel no questions asked.

5 SIgns that your BOYFRIEND is cheating

A cheating boyfriend can cause tension in any relationship. Everyone hopes their partnership is built on trust, but what happens when that bond is broken and you suspect your boyfriend is cheating? Here are a few signs: Suspicious Computer ActivityThese days, it's easy to meet men in chat rooms, forums or on instant messenger. Have you seen a suspicious name in your IM window or an unknown chat site in your browser history? A little digging can go a long way. Be careful trying to be a super snooper, though, and give your man space. It's just as easy to meet friends online as it is love interests. Your partner may just be reaching out for other gay people to talk to. Sudden Changes in ScheduleSome men may be spontaneous, but most of us keep a set schedule or standard routine in some form or another.This is especially true for day-to-day activities. Has your man's routine suddenly changed without you knowing why? Did his working hours increase or does he have a new gym schedule? Things often change in our lives. In turn, we decide to try and impress our bosses by working overtime or resolve that it's finally time to get into shape. But what raises suspicion is how these changes are communicated to you. Was the decision made without your input? Was there an attempt to include you? Are there any signs of progress?Emotional DistanceIt's normal for the intensity of your relationship to decrease after you've been together for a while. There may have been a time when you couldn't bare to leave each others' sight and now you both enjoy your time alone. This isn't a sign that he is cheating, only that the relationship is starting to settle into a loving and comfortable phase. Nonetheless, take note of any emotional distancing. Has he stopped listening or laughing? Does he seem distant or spacey, almost as if he's preoccupied? Take note if your partner is there physically, but not quite "there" mentally.Less Time TogetherJust as the intensity of a relationship dwindles slightly over time, so may the time you spend together. But spending less time with each other shouldn't be confused with spending no time at all. Don't react too swiftly. Who knows, his company may be ready to close on a huge deal and they need him around the clock. Or there may be some other legitimate circumstance that demands his attention. Many huge time commitments like these don't last for long periods of time and make sense. He may be working 14 hour days, but does he also leave home on weekends? Look for the unreasonable and unexplainable time commitments.InstinctMom always said follow your instincts and this is a time when that motherly voice can come in handy. If your gut tells you that something is wrong or that some other guy has captured your man's attention, then go with it. But take caution with how far you follow these feelings. Ask yourself if they are legitimate concerns or if you yourself are lacking trust.These tips aren't meant to turn your trusting relationship into a game of hide and go seek and there are always exceptions. Trust first, but don't ignore the warning signs. If there are just too many inconsistencies for comfort, then communicate them to your man directly. Don't let him hear of your suspicions from a friend. Also, try not to be accusatory. Simply tell him how his behavior makes you feel. He may be dealing with other issues that have nothing to do with cheating on you with another man.

Gay Terminology

Just read it.. Funny..

After-hours -- where you go when the bars are closed and you still haven't found someone to sleep with.
Bicurious -- gay bottom

Bisexual -- gay power bottom

Bottom -- orientation preferred by 95% of the gay population

Butch -- what gay men who don't think they act gay call themselves. Actual butch men will never need to use this term.

Cuddle -- sexual activity in which there is no exchange of bodily fluid.

Drama -- an imaginary condition made up by sad, lonely individuals with no real problems in their life who feel the need to drag stable, well-balanced individuals who are trying to make a valuable contribution to society down to their level in hopes of making themselves feel better.

Expiration Dating - Frequent hot sex with someone you know is only in town for a short period of time, and that you know you have no chance of actually dating seriously because they aren't local.

Gurl -- the first word of every sentence. "Gurl, you 'bout ready to go?" or "Gurl, I haven't had sex in 3 days!"

Gym Bunny -- a troll who has realized that his only chance of getting laid is to work out every day.

Hayyy -- a greeting. The gayer you are, the more Y's you put at the end.

Homewrecker -- the person who stole your ex

One Night Stand -- a very short-term relationship, the end of which is signified by someone putting on their pants.

Rough Trade -- a one night stand that you will later pretend never happened.

Shot -- when you need to get drunker faster

Top -- see Bottom

Trick -- See Trade

Versatile -- glorified Bottom (but will top if absolutely necessary)

Whore -- anyone who has more sex than you.

An Atheist in the Woods

An atheist was walking through the woods. "What majestic trees"! "What powerful rivers"! "What beautiful animals"! He said to himself. As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder & saw that the bear was closing In on him. He looked over his shoulder again, & the bear was even closer. He tripped & fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw & raising his right paw to strike him. At that instant the Atheist c ried out, Oh my God!" Time Stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky. You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident." "Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer"? The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps You could make the BEAR a Christian"? "Very Well," said the voice. The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head & spoke: "Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen."

The Mayo Jar

A professor stood before his Philosophy 101 class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then askedthe students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.
The professor then picked up a jar of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled into the open spaces between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.The professor picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar and of course the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with an unanimous yes.The professor then produced two cans of beer from under the table and proceeded to pour the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the empty space between the grains of sand. The students laughed."Now," said the professor, as the laughter subsided, "I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things -- your family, your partner, your health, your children, your friends, your favorite passions -- things that ifeverything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full."The pebbles are the other things that matter, like your job, your house, your car. The sand is everything else -- the small stuff."If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued, "there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for your life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out dancing. Play another 18."There will always be time to go to work, clean the house, give a dinner party and fix the disposal. Take care of the golf balls first -- the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the beer represented. The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of beers."

Wooden Bowl

I guarantee you will remember the tale of the Wooden Bowl tomorrow, a weekfrom now, a month from now, a year from now.An old man went to live with his son, daughter-in-law, and four-year oldgrandson. The old man's hands trembled, his eyesight was blurred, and hisstep faltered. The family ate together at the table. But the elderlygrandfather's shaky hands and failing sight made eating difficult. Peasrolled off his spoon onto the floor. When he grasped the glass, milkspilled on the tablecloth.The son and daughter-in-law became irritated with the mess."We must do something about Grandfather," said the son. "I've had enough ofhis spilled milk, noisy eating, and food on the floor."So the husband and wife set a small table in the corner. There, Grandfatherate alone while the rest of the family enjoyed dinner. Since Grandfatherhad broken a dish or two, his food was served in a wooden bowl. When thefamily glanced in Grandfather's direction, sometime he had a tear in hiseye as he sat alone. Still, the only words the couple had for him weresharp admonitions when he dropped a fork or spilled food.The four-year-old watched it all in silence. One evening before supper, thefather noticed his son playing with wood scraps on the floor.He asked the child sweetly, "What are you making?"Just as sweetly, the boy responded, "Oh, I am making a little bowl for youand Mama to eat your food in when I grow up."The four-year-old smiled and went back to work.The words so struck the parents so that they were speechless. Then tearsstarted to stream down their cheeks. Though no word was spoken, both knewwhat must be done. That evening the husband took Grandfather's hand andgently led him back to the family table. For the remainder of his days heate every meal with the family. And for some reason, neither husband norwife seemed to care any longer when a fork was dropped, milk spilled, orthe tablecloth soiled.On a positive note, I've learned that, no matter what happens how bad itseems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow.I've learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he/shehandles three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas treelights.I've learned that, regardless of your relationship with your parents,you'll miss them when they're gone from your life.I've learned that making a "living" is not the same thing as making a"life."I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance.I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catcher's mitt onboth hands. You need to be able to throw something back.I've learned that if you pursue happiness, it will elude you. But, if youfocus on your family, your friends, the needs of others, your work anddoing the very best you can, happiness will find you.I've learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart, I usuallymake the right decision.I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one.I've learned that every day, you should reach out and touch someone. Peoplelove that human touch-holding hands, a warm hug, or just a friendly pat onthe back.I've learned that I still have a lot to learn.I've learned that you should pass this on to ones you care about...

A Poem for Us

I shave my legs, I sit down to pee. And I can justify any shopping spree.

Don't go to a barber, but a beauty salon. I can get a massage without a hard-on.

I can balance the checkbook, I can pump my own gas. Can talk to my friends, about the size of my ass.

My beauty's a masterpiece, and yes, it takes long. At least I can admit, to others when I'm wrong.

I don't drive in circles, at any cost. And I don't have a problem, admitting I'm lost.

I never forget, an important date. You just gotta deal with it, I'm usually late.

I don't watch movies, with lots of gore. Don't need instant replay, to remember the score.

I won't lose my hair, I don't get jock itch. And just cause I'm assertive, Don't call me a bitch.

Don't say to your friends, Oh yeah, I can get her. In your dreams, my dear, I can do better!

Flowers are okay, But jewelry's best... Look at me you idiot... Not at my chest????

I don't have a problem, With Expressing my feelings. I know when you're lying, You look at the ceiling.

DON'T call me a GIRL, a BABE or a CHICK. I am a WOMAN. Get it?, you DICK!?!

Ever Wonder?!

...why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

...why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?

...why you don't ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

...why "abbreviated" is such a long word?...

why doctors call what they do "practice"?

...why you have to click on "Start" to stop Windows 98?

...why lemon juice is made with artificial flavor, while dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons?

...why the man who invests all your money is called a broker?

...why there isn't mouse-flavored cat food?

...who tastes dog food when it has a "new & improved" flavor?

...why Noah didn't swat those two mosquitoes?

...why they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

...why they don't make the whole plane out of the material used for the indestructible black box ?

...why sheep don't shrink when it rains?

...why they are called apartments when they are all stuck together?

...if con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

...why they call the airport "the terminal" if flying is so safe?

In case you need further proof that the human race is doomed because of stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.

On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. (and that's the only time I have to work on my hair)

.On a bag of Fritos: ..You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. details inside. (the shoplifter special)?

On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that would be how???....)

On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but, it's "just" a suggestion).

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down."(well...duh, a bit late, huh)!

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:"Product will be hot after heating." (...and you thought????...)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (but wouldn't this save me more time?)

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:"Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (and...I'm taking this because???....)

On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." (as opposed to...what?)

On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)

On Sunsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (talk about a news flash)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)

On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."I don't blame the company. I blame the parents forthis one:

On a Swedish chainsaw:"Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."(........was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

Billy Connolly's 14 things I hate about everybody

This is pretty hilarious. Of course, I edited out some of the offensive words. Otherwise, it's a pretty sarcastic view on the other side of the fence. Kawawang mga tao.

Enjoy!Billy Connolly's 14 Things I Hate About Everybody

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time....I know where my watch is, pal, where's yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

2. People who are willing to get off their arse to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.

3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Of course I want to eat it! What good is a cake if you can't eat it?

4. When people say "It's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?

5. When people say while watching a film "Did you see that?". No tosser, I paid 10 quid to come to the cinema and stare at the floor.

6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?". Didn't really give me a choice there, did you, sunshine?

7. When something is "new and improved!". Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it.

8. When people say "life is short". What the...Life is the longest thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?

9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, Knob head?

10. People who say things like "My eyes aren't what they used to be". So what did they use to be? Ears? Wellington boots?

11. When you're eating something and someone asks "Is that nice?" No, it's really revolting - I always eat stuff I hate.

12. People who announce they are going to the toilet. Thanks, that's an image I really didn't need.

13. McDonalds staff who pretend they don't understand you if you don't insert the 'Mc' before the item you are ordering.....It has to be a McChicken Burger, just a Chicken Burger gets blank looks. Well I'll have a McStraw and jam it in your McEyes!

14. When you're involved in an accident and someone asks "Are you alright?" Yes fine thanks, I'll just pick up my limbs and be off.

Apple Tree

A long time ago, there was a huge apple tree. A little boy loved to come and play around it everyday. He climbed to the tree top, ate the apples, took a nap under the shadow... He loved the tree and the tree loved to play with him.
Time went by... the little boy had grown up and he no longer played around the tree everyday.
One day, the boy came back to the tree and he looked sad. "Come and play with me," the tree asked the boy. "I am no longer a kid, I don't play around trees anymore." The boy replied, "I want toys. I need money to buy them."
"Sorry, but I don't have money... but you can pick all my apples and sell them. So, you will have money."
The boy was so excited. He grabbed all the apples on the tree and left happily. The boy never came back after he picked the apples. The tree
was sad.
One day, the boy returned and the tree was so excited. "Come and play with me" the tree said.
"I don't have time to play. I have to work for my family. We need a house for shelter. Can you help me?"
"Sorry, but I don't have a house. But you can chop off my branches to build your house."
So the boy cut all the branches of the tree and left happily. The tree was glad to see him happy but the boy never came back since then. The tree was again lonely and sad.
One hot summer day, the boy returned and the tree was delighted. "Come and play with me!" the tree said.
"I am sad and getting old. I want to go sailing to relax myself. Can you give me a boat?"
"Use my trunk to build your boat. You can sail far away and be happy." So the boy cut the tree truck to make a boat. He went sailing and never showed up for a long time.
Finally, the boy returned after he left for so many years. "Sorry, my boy. But I don't have anything for you anymore. No more apples for you... "
the tree said.
"I don't have teeth to bite" the boy replied.
"No more trunk for you to climb on"
"I am too old for that now" the boy said.
"I really can't give you anything ... the only thing left is my dying roots" the tree said with tears.
"I don't need much now, just a place to rest. I am tired after all these years." The boy replied.
"Good! Old tree roots is the best place to lean on and rest. Come, Come sit down with me and rest. " The boy sat down and the tree was glad and smiled with tears.......
This is a story of everyone. The tree is our parent. When we were young, we loved to play with Mom and Dad...
When we grow up, we leave them... only come to them when we need something or when we are in trouble.
No matter what, parents will always be there and give everything they could to make you happy.
You may think the boy is cruel to the tree but that's how all of us are treating our parent.
Please enlighten all your friends by forwarding this mail to them. And,
love your parent! ! !

A Funny Story

Nice story...Wait till you read the moral.

I was happy.

My girlfriend and I were dating for over a year,
and so we decided to
get married.

My parents helped us in every way; my friends
encouraged me, and my
girlfriend? She was a dream!

There was only one thing bothering me, quite much
indeed, and that was my mother-in-law to be. She was a career woman,
smart, but most of all
beautiful and sexy, who sometimes flirted me,
which made me feel
uncomfortable.

One day she called me and asked me to come over to
check the wedding
invitations. So I went. She was alone, and when I
arrived, she whispered
to me, that soon I was to be married, and she had
feelings and desires
for me that she couldn't overcome. So before I got
married and committed
my life to her daughter, she wanted to make love
to me just once.

What could I say? I was in total shock, and
couldn't say a word.

So, she said, I'll go to the bedroom, and if you
are up for it, just
come and get me. I just watched her delicious
behind as she went up the
stairs.

I stood there for a moment, and then turned around
and went to the front
door...I opened it, and stepped out of the house.

Her husband was standing outside, and with tears
in his eyes, hugged me
and said, we are very happy and pleased, you have passed our little
test. We couldn't have asked for a better man for
or daughter.

Welcome to the family.

Moral of the story?


"Always keep your condoms in the car."

12 Different Students

CLOWNS - ang official kenkoy ng class. May mga one-liner na gumigising sa lahat kapag nagkakaantukan na. Sabi ng ilang teacher, eto raw yung mga KSP sa klase na dahil hindi naman matalino, o kadalasang matalino, na tamad lang, eh dinadaan na lang sa patawa ang pagpapapansin. Pero aaminin ko, walang klaseng walang ganito, at kung meron man, magiging malaking sakripisyo ang pagpasok sa skul araw-araw..

GEEKS - mga taong walang pakialam sa mundo, libro, teacher, at blackboard lang ang iniintindi. Kahit na mainit na ang ulo ng teacher at bad trip, ang mga geeks ang walang takot na lumalapit sa teacher at nagtatanong kung mag-iiba ang result ng equation kung isa-substitute ang value ng X sa Y.

HOLLOW MAN -may 2 uri ng H.M virus, ang Type A at Type B. Ang type A ay ang student na madalas na invisible sa class, bakante ang upuan, madalas absent. Ang type B naman ang pumapasok sa skul bagamat present eh inivisible naman ang sagot sa mga quizzes, at hollow ang utak ....

SPICE GIRLS - barkadahan ng mga magkakaibigang babae mahilig gumimik, sabay-sabay pero laging late na pumapasok ng room after recess. Madalas na may hawak ng brush, at songhits. Pag pinagawan mo ng group works, sila ang madalas na magkaka-grupo...

DA GWAPINGS - ang male counterpart ng Spice Girls, isinilang para magpa-cute. Konti lang ang members nito, 2-3 lang para mas pansin ang bawat isa. Tulad ng Spice Girls, kadalasang puro Hair Gel lang ang laman ng utak ng mga Da Gwapings...

CELEBRITIES - Politicians, Athletes, Performers. Politician ang mga palaban na mag-aaral na mas nag-aalala pa sa kalagayan ng skul at mga kapwa skulmates kesa sa grades nila sa Algebra. Athletes ang ilang 'varsitarians' na kung gaano kabilis tumakbo eh ganon kabagal magbasa. Performers naman ang mga students na kaya lang yata pumapasok eh para makasayaw, kumanta, at makatula sa stage kapag Linggo ng Wika.. Sa pangkalahatan, ang mga celebs ay matinding PR, pero mababang IQ..

GUINESS - mga record holders pagdating sa persistence. Pilit pinupunan ang mga kakulangan sa katalinuhan. SIla ang mga kadalasang nagtatagumpay sa buhay. Masinop sa projects, actibo sa recitation. Paulit ulit magtaas ng kamay, kahit na laging mali ang sagot...

LEATHER GOODS - mga estudyanteng maling uri ng determinasyon meron. Laging determinado ang mga ito sa harapang pangongopya, bulgarang pandaraya, at palagiang pagpapalapad ng papel sa teacher. Talo ang mga buwaya sa pakapalan...

WEIRDOS - mga problematic students, misunderstood daw, kadalasang tinatawag na black sheep ng klase. May kanya-kanya silang katangian, konti ang kaibigan, madalas mapaaway, mababa ang grades, at teachers' enemy...

MGA ANAK NI RIZAL - Ang mga Endangered Species kumbaga... Straight 'A' students pero well rounded at hindi geeks. Teacher's pet pero hindi sipsip. Hari ng Math, Science, at English, pero may oras pa rin sa extra-curricular activities, at gimiks.. Hanep! BOB ONGS - Mga medjo matino na may sayad...

COMMONERS - mga generic na member ng class. Kulang sa individuality, at katangiang umuukit sa isipan. Hindi sila agad napapansin ng teacher pag absent, at sa paglipas ng panahon, sila ang mga taong nakakalimutan ng mga teachers at classmates nila... kayo, saan kayo nabibilang?!